So, to contrast my previous post, Passion, I found an old story I started based on my history. While smiting passion and hating love, I was forced to battle against who was later to become my husband for the key to my heart. I had fantastic ideas to become non-emotional, since all they did was cause problems.
Should I bring it out? Well, let’s wait, and preclude it with the letter my cat wrote to ward off all potential suitors. Please excuse the poor writing. You can see I have not improved in the last 5 years. Now, with no further ado…
To you male Humans;
My name is Haiku, and I am the master of this house. I let my pet, Erin, allow you to come over, but some rules must be laid down in order for you to continue your silly frolicking in my home.
-My pet is a crazy human, though she’s progressing well to un-teach those useless humanistic traits including loving you. You must respect and admire her for this growth and steps toward enlightenment. Remember that bringing into my house all your emotion and other weird habits is damaging. You must let her be, as she attempts to rest in a purely kinetic state of emotion/non-emotion. Though you think it may be helping her, by trying to break her of this, she is a stubborn girl, more than you know, and she does what she wishes. It will not help her, nor you in your backwards attempts toward inner peace and personal goals.
-I hate it when you flick beer caps into my water dish. My pet does not clean it out as often as she should (at least 6 times per day), therefore, please keep your trash out of my space; it’s hard enough as it is.
-do not attempt to invade my sleeping areas. Particularly the nest I create nightly in the curve of her torso. This is mine, and being an enlightened being, I am entitled to be territorial over her, and my sleeping space. She also would prefer to have the entire bed to herself, and to respect her wishes, none of the bed is to be inhabited by you at any time, unless permission is granted by myself and my pet congruently. Therefore, the unknown void outside the door is acceptable, or if you can’t get out, as I cannot, the dead animal furs on the floor will suffice in such a case.
-You are, at no such time EVER, allowed to yell at me nor my pet. If I were to enter your home, and order you about would create chaos, and a certain imbalance in the order of things, so don’t do it. Also, I have long since given up telling, suggesting, or even hinting at what my pet ought to do in her life, and as friendly, constructive advice, I would advise you to do the same. So give up.
-On the subject of presents/ gifts. I am always willing to tolerate the offering of house-warming gifts, in order to present some type of sacrifice for the time spent in my house. Also, since I allow you to pet me, in exchange, I would appreciate; cat food, edible house plants, peanut butter, dog hearts ( on a silver plate, please) tank-tops with long strings attached, catnip hors d’oeuvres, cat scratching devices, rolls of paper that my pet keeps in the bathroom that you wipe your ass with (and might I just say, that is a really disgusting habit. If you learn to shit properly, followed by proficient tongue baths, you’d stop doing that, and in turn, stop wasting perfectly good toys.), large boxes – preferably cylindrical with many holes all over, and heavy-metal or indie-punk music.
Now, presents given to my pet are totally unacceptable.
Only when begged by her are you allowed to offer your services or products. This is not to be deviated from.
The Master of the House
~Haiku
If you were wondering, I did print this off, and make my (now) husband read it. He didn’t follow it at all. In fact, he was upset (as you all should be) for me portraying my cat to be cruel and unloving. Haiku rocks to this day.
Sorry for last night’s bombardment of posts, but I had to clear the old journal listings on my computer, bring myself up to speed (and remember what I used to do before donning the mother-hat).
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