I will see how many other things I can feel blessed that my son can do for me, instead of the other way around.
This aging thing — a friend wrote about the declining health of her mother — seems to be so simple when outwardly gazing at the full swingin’ circle of life.  Yet in the midst of it, I see the emotional complications of how one person’s growth affects those around them more than them.

My son is growing exponentially – he is grasping that he can control his world with communication.

It seems simple for him.  He talks, I do.  I’m the one complicating it, and recording the fun, new words to play for faraway family members…  Will he see it as complicated when I forget his name? Or will he be as understanding as my friend, and appreciate the circle….

..

Gotta go…

 …and I finally married this guy!

“How irritating you are, and how wonderful… I thought too much about you while you were away, and that irritates me.”
Wow. It’s funny how much my perception has altered. And I’m curious what happened, and when… But the fact remains that I’ve come to realize I love [my man] – and I am actually enjoying it. There is too much to risk, and too much to lose to not love him. And so much gain. I wish I wouldn’t hurt so many others in letting manifest an emotion, but that is truly not my responsibility. But I still feel guilty. He makes me smile. {insert butchering of pronunciation in Japanese- 私に微笑をする}

It’s true that I have loved before, and have felt many similar things. But to have developed over time one of the most magical, fun, deeply intimate friendships I have ever known makes this feeling sacred. As I feel he is to me.

I’m so silly. I think about silly things when I think about him. Serious things, like planting trees together in hopes that we can together build a tree house in it, or our house next to it. It’s kind of sickening…

[pause]

Where is he?! I love dreaming about seeing him. And the dreams are not nearly as great as the moments with him – and that is hard to say, since I can imagine a lot. He’ll never be prefect, but, then again, can I? I’m curious to know how many things he can’t stand about me. I never really cared before. And WTF is “before”. When is before? These are such lame ramblings of a twitterpaited girl.

How silly. I like hugging him.

oooh,

I feel a list coming on …

What makes him so {f-ing} special that I make a list of him:

• Responsible
• Patient
• Quasi-cleanliness
• Cute
• 4×4-ing
• fishing (if it ever happens)
• his cute roses/chocolates/beer/cards
• that look he gives me when I’m being silly or irrational
• his predictability (which might not be so cool after a bit)
• non-smoking
• letting me smoke in his truck
• letting me drive his truck
• the way he reacted when I put his white truck in the ditch
• relationship with his mother/family
• hard worker
• owns his own business
• the way he feels about me
• good reputation of being honest and respectable
• worships me like a goddess
• haiku likes him
• mum likes him
• plans for the future
• has an interesting type of imagination
• isn’t a potsmoker
• drives well
• is responsible when I drink, and takes care of me (kinda good kind bad)
• good cook
• has a spiritual side. that rarely comes out (latter part is key)
• would probably kill a bear for me
• sleeps well with me
• doesn’t snore
• generous
• total fucking romantic {interjection – found later that this was only a ploy }
• has excellent secret kissing spots
• knows the mountains well
• looks really good in Cartharts
• treats me like a woman who deserves respect
• probably knows the goddess in me more than I do
• thinks I’m cute
• he believes in me
• has some good taste in music
• doesn’t complain very much
• (actually, this is an awesome thing) forgets about my arthritis
• got his GED
• likes to look presentable
• wants to take me on dates (though me says I look good enough everyday)
• finds cool rocks
• likes cool rocks
• looks like an elf

And that brings us to the present! And now for something completely different…

I found the funniest conversation with myself just now.

During the pursuit of my love, my man threw everything he could at me to win my heart, and I fought just as hard.  Though, we see here from my journal dated Valentine’s Day, 2004, that my ground was slipping away. My hardened heart could hide no more… with the one, simple line.

kaleidoscope…
not just one standpoint, but many.
If we all treaded this earth with kaleidoscopes to look through, we wouldn’t be so lost.

Emotional kaleidoscopes..
With catastrophic isotopes
Provide catalysts for cautious hearts to hunt happiness.
Similar but not.
Precious, yet not.
Deadly and dangerous,
Sacred and savory.
Somehow there is balance through the chaos, so just keep turning the emotional Kaleidoscope. Because by emulating the frustrating future, there is only deprivation for the congregation.

Here ’tis…

 Dearest [doesitcomewithgravy]

Can I take your hand, and grip it tight, and lead you to happiness – to Arcadia?
I yearn to show you arcadia, for who better deserves to enter it’s gates than you?
Arcadia-
“Ar·ca·di·a or ar·ca·di·a a place in which people are imagined or believed to enjoy a perfect life of simplicity”

I have heard of the requirements to enter, and I know of few who would be admitted.
-Your heart, your gift of love is sacred.
I wish I could be near you more, in hopes that I might soak in more of you. The kindness and compassion you show your husband, your child, your father and your family is inspiring, and is not taken for granted; I see what you do, what you give, and what toll it demands from you in exchange requires so much strength!
-Your power, your ability to master the strength within is sacred.
You take a ball of energy,  and contain it, and capitalize on it’s efficiency.  Whatever energy you wield, you make it stronger, and it’s density becomes more powerful than before. I’ve watched you do this in inter-family dynamics.  There is such inspiration in how you solidify and clarify events, emotions and thoughts so that they aid the direction you present them in. This is a rare skill. Many people let their energy float, and scatter, and eventually it dissipates and disperses until they have nothing left.  There have been numerous times that I have relied on your power to help strengthen me, and us, and you.
Also, though it is hard to speak of without touching on some sensitive areas, but to see the goddess so bright in you makes me smile.  It also reminds me I’m not so hopeless. It is essential for every human to recognize the power this gift represents, and you, personally, carry it with grace.
-Your nature, your gentle personality is sacred.
With the family members we have, we are all blessed to experience your compassionate and sensitive ways.  I am grateful to have understood this quality of you, one, because I have watched how others don’t understand it and how to react.  I have tried to know how to interact with this, with you and others, and being a role model and an example have aided in my education. In addition, I too have similar aspects within me, and many a time, it is a curse, as you know. Being sensitive represents showing empathy even when it’s unwanted (by both parties). It also means that events and words do not flow over us like they can on others.  Your internal sponge may be difficult to bear, but I see it. I know it. I know what it does to you, and I thank you. In teaching me, in affecting others with the depth that you do has been essential to life.
What is amazing about sisterhood, is that I  will forever be in debt to them. They have affected me infinitely, and helped me to survive life.  This is an honor, and though it saddens me to no end to feel I haven’t earned that from you, I give you the recognition of such an influence.

I want you to know, that though we do not talk as much as we would both like, you are always in my mind, and in my heart.
There are many catastrophic things in our lives right now, and they have the power to overtake us.  I will never doubt though, that we can escape, bruised but alive, when we remain together.

My head knows I’ve got to face all the trauma every time my heart takes one step toward that edge.  But I can’t do it.

“On the edge of that river”

The sand beneath your feet is all that is left of your reality. The bank is slowly being licked and teased away into that deadly river of emotion, and you feel yourself leaning backward to keep from falling, followed by drowning.
The Sickness, the downfall of humanity and heart is that we feel compelled to peer into the water’s hypnotic waves of turmoil; it’s like the train-wreck on the side of a highway. Why are you looking anyway?

Don’t lean too far, lest you fall into its destructive nature.  Emotion is a class 5 rapid, beckoning you to tempt your skills in play. You know only few to survive its ups and downs. Therefore I cherish that wall of self-preservation that is quickly built the moment that insanity comes near; when your soul knows that edge needs to be approached.
But why must he be so gentle? So soothing? So unlike my happy little non-emotional chaos?

Damn him.

Should I bring it out? Well, let’s wait, and preclude it with the letter my cat wrote to ward off all potential suitors. Please excuse the poor writing. You can see I have not improved in the last 5 years. Now, with no further ado…

To you male Humans;
My name is Haiku, and I am the master of this house. I let my pet, Erin, allow you to come over, but some rules must be laid down in order for you to continue your silly frolicking in my home.
-My pet is a crazy human, though she’s progressing well to un-teach those useless humanistic traits including loving you. You must respect and admire her for this growth and steps toward enlightenment. Remember that bringing into my house all your emotion and other weird habits is damaging. You must let her be, as she attempts to rest in a purely kinetic state of emotion/non-emotion. Though you think it may be helping her, by trying to break her of this, she is a stubborn girl, more than you know, and she does what she wishes. It will not help her, nor you in your backwards attempts toward inner peace and personal goals.
-I hate it when you flick beer caps into my water dish. My pet does not clean it out as often as she should (at least 6 times per day), therefore, please keep your trash out of my space; it’s hard enough as it is.
-do not attempt to invade my sleeping areas. Particularly the nest I create nightly in the curve of her torso. This is mine, and being an enlightened being, I am entitled to be territorial over her, and my sleeping space. She also would prefer to have the entire bed to herself, and to respect her wishes, none of the bed is to be inhabited by you at any time, unless permission is granted by myself and my pet congruently. Therefore, the unknown void outside the door is acceptable, or if you can’t get out, as I cannot, the dead animal furs on the floor will suffice in such a case.
-You are, at no such time EVER, allowed to yell at me nor my pet. If I were to enter your home, and order you about would create chaos, and a certain imbalance in the order of things, so don’t do it. Also, I have long since given up telling, suggesting, or even hinting at what my pet ought to do in her life, and as friendly, constructive advice, I would advise you to do the same. So give up.
-On the subject of presents/ gifts. I am always willing to tolerate the offering of house-warming gifts, in order to present some type of sacrifice for the time spent in my house. Also, since I allow you to pet me, in exchange, I would appreciate; cat food, edible house plants, peanut butter, dog hearts ( on a silver plate, please) tank-tops with long strings attached, catnip hors d’oeuvres, cat scratching devices, rolls of paper that my pet keeps in the bathroom that you wipe your ass with (and might I just say, that is a really disgusting habit. If you learn to shit properly, followed by proficient tongue baths, you’d stop doing that, and in turn, stop wasting perfectly good toys.), large boxes – preferably cylindrical with many holes all over, and heavy-metal or indie-punk music.
Now, presents given to my pet are totally unacceptable.
Only when begged by her are you allowed to offer your services or products. This is not to be deviated from.

The Master of the House
~Haiku

If you were wondering, I did print this off, and make my (now) husband read it. He didn’t follow it at all. In fact, he was upset (as you all should be) for me portraying my cat to be cruel and unloving. Haiku rocks to this day.

Passion
The will to win, the spark within
Passion
The strength within the hearts of men
Passion
The drive to press, to strive for best, to rise
You’ve just arrived the quest is driven through
Passion
—Blackalicious

I’ve been asked by a friend about the passion in my life.

Though typical, passion is in my best friend. It shines in the way he cherishes my faults. It is reflected through eyes of our child. It is fueled by the hard days. Passion is released in private, and diluted in public. It is nourished by the grand days, and lost in my fears. Passion is multiplied in my family by gardening, learning, music, dreaming, hugging, working and cleaning.

[my son, at present, is banging his head on the gate in order to get his dog to come play. i wish you could see it]

My passion is hundreds of miles away right now, and yet is permeating my blood. It has been in my dreams since forever, and makes it all worth having to grow up.

I don’t have time for this.

—My laundry is getting ready to charge and take over the rest of the house by force.

—The bills are, well, doing their thing we all know so well… hiding underneath the stack of books I put them under in hopes that I might stifle their nagging about wanting me to pay them…

..I’ve got better things to be doing other than writing here, right?

But its blogtitle (as I had planned it) pulls at me to get back to the root of things. Of me.

My new life with my son has erased what was… so it’s gonna be some slow going, but I’m determined to remember.

Starting with what was a favored pasttime – writing. and thinking. and making lists… OOH!

That’s a good idea.  M good ‘ole obsession with making utterly pointless lists.

What I’ve Ingested Today: (intentionally)

• coffee
• more coffee
• chocolate cake
• strawberries
• coffee (with extra sugar)
• Toasted Oats
• a bit of Mica’s drool while playing ‘airplane’
• apples with peanut butter
• quesadilla with sourcream
• celery with peanut butter
• the last of the water from Mica’s sippy cup
• veggie chips
• chocolate cake (it’s really good!)
• a coke

and I plan on rounding out the evening with some cookies and cream ice cream.

Doesn’t it sound like I really take care of myself whilst my husband is out of town?

..if i don’t have to cook, i don’t.

bon appetit!